"Why am I still sad about this? I have hair growing..."

Updated: Mar 14, 2019

As I sit here in a cafe, in Hollywood, CA with every intention to come here and get a couple chapters of my personal training studying complete, I have yet to pick up the book. I was starving, so I bought a $12 steel oat, miniature bowl, and when I say miniature, I mean it was like four scoops and it was finished, and still $12 lol. And I think I'm hungrier now than I was before I ate it... But that's the damn price I pay when I'm out and about, starving, and there are very limited vegan AND gluten-free options. But in every moment like this, I remind myself how badly I want my hair back and I have yet to break this strict diet.

So I finished my food and Facebook memories popped up saying, "On this day, 4 years ago..." and it was pictures of me in college with my ex, with some of my friends, and from my birthday. Of course, I see these pictures and the only thing I can focus on, is my old, beautiful, blonde hair. And my mind starts thinking how crazy it is that for the past almost 3 years so much of my mental, emotional, and physical energy has been sucked out of me and put into my stupid hair loss.

So as those thoughts lingered, I walked up the steps, sat on a couch, again ready to study my textbook, and tears randomly dripped down my face. Exactly that... dripped down my face and I sat there thinking, why the hell am I still sad about this? I have hair growing, the end is near, and I've already shared my story, so people know I wear a wig, there's nothing to be ashamed of. And here I am AGAIN, feeling alone, sad, and exhausted. For the life of me, I could not focus on studying so I was texting my roommate, my other best friend, and my mom (thank you baby Jesus for these people in my life), but I just couldn't shake this feeling I was feeling. So this is where I meet you... I grabbed my laptop out of my backpack and started aimlessly typing what's on my mind. So thanks for reading, this is helping me heal and giving me strength to continue on with this journey.

For the past almost 3 years, as much as I have progressed and I have grown, on the same token, SO much of my energy has been put into ALOPECIA, instead of my career, relationships, etc. etc. etc. So much of my time and energy has gone into researching and reading about what foods help my body, going to a dermatologist, going to a homeopathic nurse, crying and crying and crying, changing my diet, getting wigs put on/taken off, picking the color of the wigs that I want, calling the salon day in and day out to see when my wig will be in, setting up appointments, getting the wigs cut, washing the wigs, more crying, dealing with crazy allergic reactions on my scalp from the wigs, teaching a class and watching the wig in the mirror slide back halfway off my head, going to auditions without my wig and dealing with all of the emotions that come along with that, dating and telling different guys that my entire head of hair is fake and again all the emotions that come with that, looking at myself in the mirror in a rage of anger, sadness, hopelessness, and then looking through the tears trying to understand how I even identify myself, which is a whole separate conversation. All of these things have taken sooo soooo sooo much out of me, out of my days, weeks, months, the past almost three years. And I sit here and think, damn... my early twenties I have always imagined to go differently.

This industry I am in, is a whole beast in itself. Let alone to know yourself as one way, present yourself as one way, for over twenty years of your life, and then that thing that a lot of people identify themselves with is TAKEN AWAY FROM YOU without your control!!! Imagine that. Of course hair doesn't define me or anyone, but a lot of people, and I did as well, identify with their hair or hair color. "Oh, that blonde!" "Yes the pretty brunette!" you get it. And then as soon as I enter my professional career that has 8 trillion things to do with looks, a huge part of my look is taken away from me. Shit suckssss. No way else to say it or explain it or justify it. Losing my entire head of hair absolutely SUCKS. I've been sent on auditions now that are for more 'corky, interesting, weird' roles... which is awesome!!! But I don't know myself as that, I know myself as the blonde, cheerleader, loud and bubbly type. So it's very interesting for me to wonder what I present myself as with this half bald look I am rocking. It can reallyyyy mess with my head.

On the other side of that, I will get auditions that I could definitely wear my wig to, but again I want to continue to move onward and upward, I want to continue to fall in love with my look/myself, and of course I want to stand out in a room full of 300 other women. So I'll go without my wig on because I believe it is also a part of my healing... But it is SO HARD for me. It is so discouraging to walk into these auditions every week and be surrounded by so many other beautiful, talented, women WITH HAIR. It can really get to me. And I sometimes feel like I unintentionally gyp myself out in the audition room because so many thoughts are racing in my head about my hair situation. It sucks, really, I wish it would just end but I'm working on calming those thoughts and rocking my look loud and proud. Then if I do wear my wig, I sometimes feel like I'm holding back because, I don't want to ruin the wig, or whip my head to hard that it falls off, or all the above, plus a thousand other things. On top of the wig, no wig situation, as a professional dancer, a lot of jobs can be submission based, aka you better have the most perfect head shots and have them up to date (so you look exactly like your picture). And boyyyyy are these professional head shots not cheap. So that's another factor I struggle with, my hair looks different every single day lol as it grows in, which is literally all I've ever wanted, so it's amazing, just makes it tricky when auditioning, because I have photos with my old wigs and some photos with an absolute bald head. I keep telling myself, this will all end soon though, it will, it will, it will. But I would be lying if I said it still doesn't stress me out and upset me every single week.

This is quite a journey and I'm a fighter so I'm going to keep at it, but on the low days, I want to throw that damn towel in and pursue something else that doesn't tear me up everyday. But as I sit here and type this, I really wouldn't want any other lifestyle, I'm just being real in this moment... not much is really as glamorous as it may seem.

I know the best is yet to come. I do believe that, I just feel so stagnant and am ready for something to change, as I know it will. It is coming. I am trying to remember how far I've come mentally and physically from three years ago... when I saw the very first patch on my head and when I would cry myself to sleep every other night, and back to when I let a man dictate how to live and when I truthfully did not understand my worth and who I am as a woman. Goddammnn, I somehow have gotten myself to be in completely different shoes almost three years later and I'm insanely grateful for my determined spirit.

"Without experiencing bad days, you cannot fully appreciate the good days." This journey has been freakin hard, and I feel myself getting closer to the end of it... disclaimer: only because I got myself here... and wow, am I excited to know myself again without this struggle.

If you hate where you're at, do something about it----save yourself & believe in your own damn power.

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